Your Hands - by JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

living

Living is a tricky thing. So are emotions and feelings. Sometimes it's hard to determine between what feels right and what is right. I'm pretty sure that we, as humans, have an uncanny ability to trick ourselves. We can justify any action, maybe even by twisting scripture. It's easy to see where you screwed up when it's all over. Probably, cause when we aren't trying to justify our actions with God's words, we are free to see what they really mean. I have an inflated view of myself. I need God. (I say that and I know that in my head, but do I really believe it?) Man, I am so human.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. --Matthew 6:33

thanksgiving!

reminder

Phillipians 2:14 - Do everything without complaining or arguing.

Seriously? Yes seriously Courtney.

peace

Today in youth group we watched a video about purpose. It talked about the frustration of trying to figure out where you are supposed to be going and choosing what you think God has called you to do. Then it talked about just giving up your frustration and just crying out to God and asking Him to help you. It pointed out that maybe your calling isn't about what you do and where you go, but about how you do what you do. It reminded me that when I make a decision, I need to not look back and weigh the pros and cons, but to live out God's will for what I am doing right at the moment I am doing it. With some of the biggest decisions I will make in my life coming in the next 5 years, this is a greattt reminder. It gives me peace.

fall is beautiful

well ok

haha well im not gonna post every day or every other day. obviously. but i have had fun not doing it, so how about i just post whenever i feel like it? haha

new goal

So today I found my camera on my nightstand. Well I wasn't really looking for it, but I hadn't seen it in a while. Anyway, the battery died a while ago and I hadn't charged it. So I charged it and realized I hadn't taken any pictures since the mission trip this summer. UNACCEPTABLE. I like pictures. So my new goal is to take at least a few pictures every day or few days, edit them, and put them on my blog. This may not interest anyone. Well. Too bad. Haha

This my face of determination to take more pictures!




Today was a yucky day :( but a boot day :)

i just dropped my phone in the darn toilet

i like...
sun
blue sky
laughing
smiling
creating
music
moments of perfection
freedom
dessert
pictures
driving with the windows down (or in a convertible!)
stars
the beach
the mountains
good smells
good people
puppies
horses
sunsets

nope

Does it mean I'm following God's will just because everything turns out like I planned it?

more picturessss

Just random stuff!

After talking to Aunt Beth (or emailing I suppose) about photography I started looking at some pictures I had taken a while ago.. here they are :]

return to normalcy..in a way

Today I woke up at 6:15 to get to the airport at 7:30 to say goodbye to the Blanchards. There was a HUGE group there to see them off. We took pictures, gave hugs, and waved at them until they passed through security. It was sad, but I think it STILL hasn't sunk in for me. I got back around 9 and I read a book for about two hours. The book I'm reading is called Chasing Fireflies. It is about a bunch of people who are trying to figure stuff out. It is one of those books where the characters don't know much, but they know more than the author lets on. Yeah, one of those. It's good. Then I went on a run. A RUN. Let me repeat: A RUN. I was going to ride my bike (well my mom's), but the stupid pump thing wouldn't pump the tires. So I got mad and started running. I only ran for a mile and I was about to die. This is a bad thing. Bad thing #2: My first class starts nest Tuesday. I just found this out yesterday. Poop is all I have to say about this. So now I have to put away clothes, but that is gonna wait. I kinda like this sitting thing :]

ten things

1. It is hot outside
2. I am more lazy than I remembered
3. School starts in a few weeks
4. I am feeling convicted of my selfish nature
5. I like lots of different kinds of music
6. Sometimes I just don't know what to do or say
7. My eyes are sleepy but I am not
8. Life is different without structure
9. I haven't read or taken pictures in a while, but that is ok for some reason
10. My brain has been thinking a lot lately but has come to no definite conclusions

truth

It's a dangerous thing to ask God to teach you stuff, but it's the only way.

Sometimes I try to know too much. If I don't know all of the answers, and know how everything should turn out I panic. I have started to realize that some things come with age, or at least time. How can I know all about things that I have never experienced? Rhetorical. The maturity that I develop doesn't come from efforts to fix certain parts of my personality. It comes from God working in me. I know that I think and analyze things way to much. In some ways this is me trying to steal God's spot. A futile and miserable way to live. So right now I am trying to not stay one step ahead of life. It moves way too fast for me. I want to live now, but stay alert to God's subtle lessons and guidance. (not to subtle sometimes I guess!)

So basically I'm a nerd who wants to be a hippie. Haha. Just kidding :]

I haven't blogged in probably million zillion years. Some things are just more fun than blogging, and those are things that I have been doing. As most of you know (whoever reads this stuff, you never know!) I have been working at New Life Camp this summer. Time has FLOWN by. I feel like it was just last week that Arianna, Andrew, Anna, and I spent the whole day cleaning the Lambs. That was the very first day of this whole camp thing! Since then I have been a counselor in the Courage, Angels, Miracle, and Fire. I have had four different and awesome co-counselors! I skipped orientation week. Well I mean I skipped it in my summer narration. I was totally there. If I wasn't, that's news to me! Before all of this was orientation week. I loved orientation week. I really got to know everyone else on staff, and I really learned a lot. I have great memories of late night frisbee license and figuring our who was getting married. I think I married the most people I've ever married during orientation week! The food was good too. I liked it :] The only problem was that everywhere was sooo cold!

Here is an overview of my typical camp week:

Sunday:
-Move all of my stuff to another cabin
-Explain what an immediate family member is
-Watch the rules video and hope that someone laughs
-Decide on a dumb prop that somehow fits with my jobs
-Play dodge ball and lose, probably

Monday:
-Wake up at 5:40
-Staff meeting at 6:30
-Drink coffee
-Gazebo time! Maybe some Jedi fights while we're at it..
-Listen to some missionary speaker
-Lead kickball or cross country relay
-Teach Prayer and Bible Drill with Andrew and Elizabeth. The bomb.
-Explain how to play Ultimate Elimination
-GO-CARS with Andrew and Pocahontas. Maybe Stephen. This involves more tree climbing that you would think, and more British people...
-Early supper then serving hot dogs. Delishhh..not
- Capture the Treasure=running around camp deciphering clues, hiding, running from pirates, find boxes
-Maybe some sleep?? Maybe?

How about I stop there. My days are so BUSY! I'm not sure all seven would even fit on here...Except Saturday which consists of sleeping, packing, washing clothes, and maybe watching movies at ghetto theaters.

This next week I am going to be on service staff. Which basically means the same stuff plus toilets and dishes and minus campers. That doesn't sound so fun, but I'm sure it will be! In fact, I am excited! Plus BeckyLee is my roomie which makes everything awesomer. Next Sunday I will be going on a mission trip to West Virginia with my youth group. I really wanted to go before. Now I just want to stay at camp. Is this bad? Not wanting to go on a mission trip? Well, maybe. So pray that I will be able to serve the West Virginians selflessly. When I come back I will be a huddle leader at daycamp! Yay Caterpillars!!! Arianna, Andrew, and I will be Caterpillars. Poor Arianna. Haha. I am so looking forward to that.

Right now I am skipping out on church. Now I know this is a bad thing. My family is gone to the TSA meet, so I planned on going to church with someone. Then I couldn't decide who to go with. It's not that I didn't want to go with anyone. It's that I didn't want to go with someone that didn't want me to go with them. Plus, I didn't know..oh I just didn't know what to do. I still don't cause here I am typing away like a HEATHEN!

I am so hungry right now,
Courtney

YAY

So this past week was early week. I was a counselor for early week and it was so FUN :] I loved my cabin. The girls were all so good, and they all had great things to add during cabin devotions. The only thing that really wasn't fun was go-"cars" the first day. Too many kids came, and we didn't know what to do! Then the go-karts kept turning off. That was kinda good, cause it made some kids leave..It's more fun for everyone when the line doesn't wrap around the course. So many fantastic things happened. I could write a short novel about this week. However, I have other things to do, so just believe me.

List of funny stuff:

-Gazebo with Daryl
-This is so much fun
-The Carlson's gutter mouths
-Daryl's feet
-John, the most beautiful man in the world
-Disbanding
-FRIDAY NIGHT
-and lots of other stufff

:]

Today was a good day. It was fun fun. Fufufufufufufu fun facts! <-STUCK IN MY HEAD! Dangerous song. I have nothing enlightening to say, and this may be my most boring blog post EVER, but I must go make some rice. I am very hungry.

"If you give me some bowls then maybe I can help you."

This is an awesome picture that needs to be shared with the world. So here world. Take a moment to let the awesomeness soak in.

:]

summer

Summer is surprising me. I had an unconventional start to my summer with Rebecca coming to stay with us. It was fun. We weren't at my house much, and we stayed up late and woke up late. We went bowling with the Allstar team (that I am not on) yesterday. I think I pulled a muscle in my neck when I was bowling with the 16 pound ball. I also kicked the 6 pound ball. It didn't hurt, but the people in the next lane were worried about me :] I think I hit some pins too! I went to Amy Grace's recital yesterday and she was awesome. The theme of the recital is books. Her class's book is Eloise. It is a cute dance

The other day I got the hiccups. I was all the way in the far end of the house and all I had was a mostly empty water bottle. I decided to drink it upside down. That usually works for me. I kept turning farther and father upside down because there wasn't much water left. Then, all of the sudden, the water went straight into my mouth and straight out my nose. The bright side? It got rid of my hiccups!

Today I went to the gym with my mom. It should be illegal for giant men to wear skin tight workout clothes. SKIN TIGHT I TELL YOU! Grossness.

This weekend I am going to my grandparents house for Madres Day. I come back late Sunday. It should be grand. Right now I am going to watch Shelby and Georgia's AAU game and then my brother's. I have to go pack which I am dreading, BUT I MUST!

farewell :]

walking on sunshine

Today was a momentous day. It was the last day of classes. I still have anatomy, but that is due by next next Friday, so I can take my sweet time. I feel free. I feel like a butterfly that emerged from its cocoon. I feel like a baby chick that just hatched, and is excited, but does not know what to do except fluff around and cheep for joy!

What I do this summer is in the hands of God right this moment. I guess it always is, but it takes the uncertain to make me realize that. Whatever happens I can be certain that there is a reason. Nothing is more freeing than that.

Something concerns me: my engagement. As officiated by Facebook, I am engaged to Tim Roberts. I did not want to change my relationship status to protect myself from being bombarded with notifications from curious Facebookers. So far I have had one message from one of my mom's friends, and a call to my mother from Mrs. Carlson who was worried that someone had hacked into my Facebook and troubled by my use of the term "butt head" (what I really wrote was butte head. If you don't know what a butte is, google it. I guess there was pun intended, but blame Andrew for the crass play on words.) Emma Carlson also asked me three times how Tim was. I said that he was fine. Two mothers and Emma are concerned about my relationship. I guess no one expects me to be serious, or they don't care who Tim Roberts is. They could at least pretend...

DON'T WORRY GUYS!!!! I'M NOT REALLY ENGAGED!!!! IT'S ALL A JOKE!!! DON't HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR ANYTHING!!!!

PS: My picture signifies summer :]

LISTS - gotta love em!

SAT:
-Boring
-Long
-Hard
-Blurred vision
-Extra time :]
-Essay first? Shocker

Today everyone thought I was lost but I was taking the SAT...

People I saw at the SAT (they didn't all see me):
-Rachel Osterhus
-Ryan Richards
-Monica Demora

Things that make me happy these days:
-SUMMER
-Sunshine
-Kris Allen -pause to watch video here-
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SytWTWMu7TY&NR=1 <-this video
-Lie to Me
-Converses (getting some soon!)
-Green green grass
-Rolling the windows down in the car (and the sunroof!)
-Taking pictures
-The Mitford Series
-When it rained :]
-Saying things in Spanish that no one understands (probably not even a Spanish person :p)

10 oh so joyous things not

1. I am never gonna finish this paper
2. I just had a bajillion cavities filled.
3. Apparently I have abnormally deep grooves in my molars.
4. I can only move half of my face.
5. I have to give an oral report in psychology today.
6. I smell a bad smell.
7. I found out it's bacon.
8. I'm tired.
9. My hair looks bad.
10. I am never gonna finish my Wed. school.

Good thing its over in 2 weeks :]

RIP

One lovely day a girl named Destiny decided to write her essay outside. She set up a nice place on her back deck to work. The pansies next to her were practically begging to be photographed, so she could not resist. As she pondered the beauty of the day she noticed a cute fluffy caterpillar inching his way along the back porch. She recalled how her sister had not seen a caterpillar yet this spring. Her sister loved caterpillars (this one was especially cute) , so Destiny decided to show her sister the caterpillar later. You see her sister was at ballet class. Destiny was home alone. After about 45 minutes of essay writing the girl decided to go get some sunglasses. Her eyes were watering and she had to squint. Plus the glasses made her look cool. The girl got up and headed towards the door hoping that the bottom of her new socks would not become yellow from pollen. These socks were a gift from her friend who had recently vacationed in Korea. As she walked she heard a loud POP! Destiny took a few steps before her slightly slow brain registered that she must have stepped on something. She did not feel anything though. She glanced down at her already traveled path and saw something dreadful: a deflated caterpillar with greeninsh red goo oozing out from the side of his head.

This girl was me and being a calertpillar murderer was my Destiny. RIP little fuzzy wuzzy. I wont show you to my sister now. She might cry

all i ever write about is american idol

(inspired by Things Fall Apart)

Does nothing fit like the proverbial glove?
Maybe we don't all aim for love
For once piece to fit the other makes room
By banishing others to hopeless doom
As a bonfire lighter in a violent shower
Do we blindly attempt to mend with our power
What do we miss in our groping attempt?
Life changing love where no one's exempt

I know nothing about poems. Don't judge me! :]

we have so much

First off, right now i feel like the room is spinning. It's really weird. I hope I'm not dying.

This weekend we went to visit my grandfather. Last Easter was the last Easter with my grandmother. We knew she didn't have long so we went to my grandparents small farm church on Easter Sunday. I remember she wore a light blue dress. My mom and I went shopping with her for that dress. She bought it for my cousins wedding and it was her fancy dress. It took us forever because she was allergic to polyester. By the way, almost every dress is polyester, but we found on that was linen. She died the next month. It was earlier than was predicted, but it was her time. Her funeral was well attended. Anyway, that is why we went.

When we got there Friday night the weather was beautiful. My grandfather lives on a farm in a the small township known as Farm Life. No joke. This weekend is the herring festival in "downtown" Jamesville. My grandfather said there would be much "goin's on". He also said we didn't have to dress up because, "they wont be dressed up, I mean they'll be dressed, but not dressed up." Thanks papa. -the shamwow guy is so annoying- So the herring festival was the smallest festival I have ever been to. There was a band playing, and onthe three couple were dancing. My grandfather was included. As we walked down to the Cypress Grill, Christopher whispered, "I feel RICH!" I did feel like we stood out a little. Now the Cypress Grill is opened only during herring season. It is a shack with screened windows and bathrooms that double as storage for mops and other cleaning supplies. Apparently the Cypress Grill is historic and such, but nevertheless it is like a cabin at camp. That was definitely the "highlight" of our visit.
In defense of the festival, it is supposed to be less lame on Easter Monday.

On the way home we stopped by my moms parents house. My great grandmother had one of those things that they have on those commercials where you can hear across the room or hear when you are playing bingo. You know they hear people say, "Wow I would kill for a body like hers!" as they walk along the beach. Yeah, really only half deaf people like my grandmother use them. We had sandwiches, went on a walk, and other boring thing like that. After that, in the car, Amy Grace played 20 questions. (not the game with people, but the the little electronic game) Her object was a mole. Not the animal, the thing on your skin. It was gros because it kept asking questions like, "Does it have a hard outer shell?" or "Do you play with it?" It was disgusting.

Now I must go decide what to wear for EASTER! HE IS RISEN! (tomorrow :])

Thanks for reading this nonsense,
Courtney

tada!

So I did it! I chopped all of my hair off! And I like it, so I am very glad. As the haircut lady was washing my hair I was praying that she would have a good haircut day. Apparently she did. The only pain is that I am going to have to get a new default hair besides a pony tail. bummerrr.

My American Idol update:

-Megan is gone!! She needed to go. She was unique, but in the words of Will Fellow, "She sounds like Kermit the Frog!"
-Scott. Oh Scott. He needs to go. To me he sounds like a 7 year old. This week he actually did well and I was kinda bummed cause I want him to go. I know he is blind. Don't judge me.
-Now Anoop I used to like, but lately he hasn't been capturing my heart. He so thinks he is G, but he is not. He's decent though.
-Lil Rounds has a great voice, but she just got so BORING! She used to be all feisty, but not anymore! Her HAIR is even less feisty. She needs to sing Rihanna, Mary J. Blige, Beyonce or something FUN.
-I like Danny, but he just doesn't ever move me. Even when he does well I just don't LOVE it.
-Allison Iraheta is awesome. She doesn't get enough credit. This week they judged her outfit (understandably) but never got around to the fact that her vocal performance was great!
-Adam Lambert is crazy. He is the one that stays on for a long time because they are weird, but he is actually GOOD! No Sanjayas this year! I loved his Play that Funky Music White Boy for some reason :]
-Matt Giraud is amazing! He stinks at picking songs though. For instance, Lets Get It On was AWESOME, but then he picked You Found Me. I mean what was that? I voted anyway :]
-Kris Allen is married. He is also my favorite. He makes me happy every week. The end.

Lady Gaga performed last night. Lady Gaga is a weirdo. Look at the guy when the song changes to the regular song they play on the radio. I DIED WHEN I WATCHED THIS! Sorry I don't know how to put one in here without it being downloaded.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voeaoqxHRBM

By the way, I started watching Lie To Me, and I am hooked. Except Eli lied which made me very sad. I was disappointed in him..

Thanks for reading this nonsense :]
Courtney

terrifying

Ok, so I am thinking about getting my hair cut the shortest I have had it since I was little. It scares me to death! I am afraid I will miss it. I know I will miss it, but I am thinking about doing it anyway. I want to see what it looks like and I might as well do it because hair grows out. Right? The picture above inspired me.

indescribable

Days like today make me sooo happy. It is warm, but breezy. Sunny, blue skied and not humid. The plants are tricked into thinking that it is time to bloom. On days like today happy thoughts rush into my head and are replaced by other happy thoughts before I have the chance to acknowledge them. Relaxing, chill songs get stuck in my head. If I had not finished Jane Eyre today would be the perfect day to read it outside in our porch swing. Right now I am living in the moment, but the moment is soon the be basketballo practice, which is undoubtedly going to break my tranquility. That is good though because forever tranquil becomes less and less pleasent and I would become as big as a barn or waste away of boredom. So sadly, I must go and face the strenuous future..

thoughts.

This weekend I am going to Greensboro for a basketball tournament. Actually I should be packing right now, but I don't want too. SO THERE! Anyway, we are going to play a team from Surry County (sounds like a spice..curry). They play a full court man-to-man the whole game. That sounds over the top to me. I mean NBA teams don't even do that! Crazy. I bet they are crazy. I bet that they all have purple hair and rotting teeth. Gross. I hope they don't. I also hope we win.

I gave up facebook for lent. Lent is where you give up stuff until Easter. The only reason I am posting this probably is because I can't go on facebook. Am I addicted? I won't answer that. If I can make it to Easter I'm not. BUT I can get on on Sundays. I heard that you can do the thing you gave up on Sunday once, and I will strictly adhere to this Lenten rule. On Sundays when I think, "NO! I don't want to get on facebook!" I will still do it, because that is the rule. (<- ignore that. i'm crazy.)

Next thought: American Idol. I can't help but like it. Oh yadayadaitsriggedyadayadadanotalentyadadaonlytheauditionsaregoodyadada. Anyway, I like it. I never vote though, so maybe I should, but it's such a pain. I like Danny - good singer, thatgirlwithunnaturallyredhair - awesome singer, Adam - how does her sing like that?, Kris - can't help but like him :). Who did NOT do well it that guy that does that oh so dangerous job, and he got in over ANOOP! That's apoop. There is still the wildcard though, so there is AHOPE!

I have to go pack, and eat, and do schoolwork, so if you are reading this (probabaly no one) then bye.

I feel like since this is my first post it should be profound or something. But the truth is I don't even have a profound purpose in creating this blog. BLOG. haha. Funny word! So I guess this make me a BLOGGER. haha. I think I will go beautify my blog because this is going nowhere...