Hello Again

I think it is about time I blogged again. I love looking back on my life and seeing what parts of my life I chose to post on here. Right now I am going through a crazy time where God is showing me how much I need grace and how much he loves me. It is awesome, but it involves a lot of humbling. Some day I need to do a really long post about this journey, but it is surely not over yet. Well, I hope it will never be over.

I am thank for:

• My family
• Stephen
• My friends
• A great church in both Boone and Raleigh
• College Connection
• Financial stability
• An apartment
• An education in a major that I love
• Parents who prepared me for life
• A break from Boone Winter
• My small group
• GRACE

Since no one can really respond here, these are my political thoughts:

We are far too obsessed with politics. Remember how the Jews thought Jesus came to give them political freedom? Yeah Jesus has bigger plans. Don't let your political stance get in the way.

On my way back to the apartment: Oooh I hope there is no one home right now! I can be alone for a little while...

Three hours later: SOMEONE PLEASE COME HOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Stickers vs. People

Today I was staring out the window and mindlessly peeling the label off of a box I got 5 years ago. I was wondering why I didn't finish peeling it off 5 years ago. I was also wondering why I felt the urge to peel it off now. Then I realized that my life could end at any time. If my life had ended then, my last accomplishment would be peeling the label off of an old box. I don't use my time wisely. When I have an extra 30 minutes I usually take some time to stare at the wall or peel the paint off of something old. Thinking about this made me think of what I should actually be doing with my time: packing for college. A horrible thing. If I used all my extra 30 minutes to do things like pack for college I would be really productive! However, I don't think I would want my last accomplishment to be packing for college either. That is almost more useless than peeling off a label. At least someone else gets a box with no sticky label. I guess that's why people are so important. We last. My life needs to be focused on other people. That's one thing that God made pretty clear, and I don't do it very well. Time to ask Jesus to change that...

I may have posted this before, but these are some of my biggest fears:

- Turning on music in the library when I think my headphones and plugged in... but they aren't.
- Going to a party that I think is a costume party... but it isn't.
- Going to someone's house for the first time... and knocking on the wrong door.
- Going into the men's restroom on accident. (Note to Mexican restaurants: 5 year olds do not know the difference between senor and senorita!)
- Deep, deep, dark waters.

I can't wait until this summer. I can't wait to do something important.

Whirlwind

Lately my life has felt very scattered. It is like I am in a whirlwind and just trying to get the next thing done just in time! Ironically this has nothing to do with the amount of time I have, but more to do with the amount of focus I have. Here is a list of areas that I would like to be different and more organized:


1. Studying God's word every day.
2. Exercising at least 3 times a week.
3. Getting my reading and homework done before the last minute.
4. Cleaning our room and bathroom more often.
5. Getting involved in a club or non-church activity on campus.
6. Getting all of my support letters out.


To extrapolate on support letters, I am going to Gabon, Africa this summer! I am extremely excited to get to learn about the culture and see what God is doing through the C&MA church is doing there. Please pray that I am humbled and given perspective, and that somehow, in my short time there, God will be able to use me to have a great impact on the people of Gabon.


Sending out support letters is something that I despise. I would rather go door to door. Even better, I would rather raise money without feeling like I am begging. However, this is what I have to do because I haven't thought of any better way, and I need the money pretty soon to be able to put down deposits. If you are reading this, I may be sending you a support letter. Don't hate me :) Also, I may not send you a support letter. If this is you, but you would still like to support me, I will love you forever. My email address is misscourtneylee@gmail.com. If you email me I can either give you my information or go ahead and send you a support letter. Also, if you want to follow our trip, our blog is http://gabontrip2012.blogspot.com. Right now it is the most boring blog in existence, but I promise it will get more interesting. Especially if you support me ;)

Tattoos, Trends, and Taking Risks (Never posted, but written on 11/16/11)

I really have nothing against tattoos. I have something against stupid tattoos. There is a guy with a tattoo of a monkey on his stomach and his bellybutton is the monkey's butt-hole. There is a guy that goes to my school that has a tattoo of lipsticked lips on his neck. I can't help but wonder if anyone has kissed him right on those lips just cause it is funny. I sure wouldn't, and I really feel gross thinking about it. Anyway, the other day Elizabeth and I were looking at an album of people's Twilight tattoos. They were awful. A distorted picture of Robert Pattinson's face permanently on my calf? No thank you. We were talking about how much people are going to regret their vampire ink and Elizabeth said, "You should never get a tattoo of a trend." That is so true.

As the excessively introspective person that I am, I started to think about how I apply the same rule to clothes sometimes. I do not want to wear something too trendy or I will look back on pictures and regret my outfit choice. My mom hates her wedding pictures because she had big hair and even bigger sleeves. She hates it now, but it was fashionable then! (I think...) Either way, whatever we are wearing now is going to look outdated someday. There is no avoiding the inevitable outfit regret. In fact, I think it is probably more satisfying to take some risks and look awesome now even if you might regret it later. Yeah, maybe we will look back on our obsession with braids and think, "What the heck was I thinking?" But you can't avoid regrets, so just look awesome now.

As the excessively introspective person that I am, I started to think about how I apply the same rule to making decisions in life. I don't want to look back in 10 years and have regrets. Of course, there is some value to that mindset. For example, I know that ditching studying might affect my grades which might affect my ability to get into graduate school. I will look back and wonder, "Why did going to see a movie seem more important than studying?" However, there is no guarantee that 10 years from now will come. Worrying about it now will just make now lame, and then in 10 years I will be worrying about 10 years from then.

So, get stupid tattoos. Wear crazy outfits. Don't worry about tomorrow. Actually don't get stupid tattoos.

One of Those Days

"And everyone keeps saying,
"Nothing helps but time"
Time is all I own

And time won't stop replaying
Over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away, I know I can't take it
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days"

This evening I went to the lip sync competition on Duck Pond field. RUF was awesome. Just sayin. However I witnessed something sad while I was there! We sat next to a group of people who were sneakily drinking (well, some of them.) It was a few girls and a few guys who seemed to be dating each other. One guy had a leg deformity and he walked with crutches, but he wasn't scrawny or anything. He was sitting in this girls lap so I assumed that they were dating. They just acted like it. However, when I looked closer, the guy next to this girl was kinda leaning all in her space and putting his arm sneakily near her butt behind her back. She had both men that player. haha I think that guy had a girl sitting in his lap too. These people are confused...

Me me me me me me me

I have not blogged in a while! So, I apologize to my loyal multitude of avid followers. I have a few things on my mind right now to share with you:

1. I am going to Africa this summer and my heart is overjoyed. I have never been out of the country, and my entire summer will revolve around this week and a half trip. I really want the right attitude as I go to serve the people of Gabon. Short term trips get a lot of crap, but I think God can work through whatever he wants. I have a fear/excitement of God calling me into full time missions. Just throwing that out there.

2. I think I am a complainer. I have a billion first world problems. Just a preview of the ridiculousness:

• I HATE buffering. Hate it. So frustrating.
• Now that I have bangs I can't shower at night or my bangs stick out. (Darn 50$ hair cut!)
• After lunch every day I am super full and tired and I just want to sleep.
• I don't like studying.
• The internet is a huge distraction.
• I hate unpacking, and I still haven't unpacked from Fall Break.
• Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep cause the light from the street lights seeps through my blinds.

I am embarrassed at how fast those all came to my mind! I am sure that is not even all! Just an honest observation of myself. I should be great at those because I realized that I think about myself all the time. It is just sickening.

This weekend I went on a retreat and it was exactly what I needed. Sometimes all I need to do is think and process what is going on it my life and what God wants me to do. This weekend all I did was talk and think about that. I had no homework and no obligations. There is something relieving about being able to talk about everything that is going on in your life with people and realizing that they feel the same way. I also love hearing other people's stories about how God worked in their life. It reminds me that, although I need to seek His will, if I screw up He has full power to pull me back (however forcefully) into His will. Blah blah I could write everything that I learned, processed, and talked about, but my mind is now shot. It needed to happen, but I do not feel like analyzing anything! So I am going to take a nap, and I am going to give all my worries, cares, and stresses to God :)

All my life I have been afraid of people with disabilities. Now I am learning about them, and some day I hope that I will be able to help them. I'm happy. :)

Don't Worry, I'm Not Getting Married...

I have been planning my wedding since I was in elementary school. I love looking at wedding blogs and seeing all the precious and creative ways people do their weddings. I am not planning on getting married anytime soon. I repeat, I am not planning on getting married anytime soon. I just like weddings so chill. These are pretty wedding things that I like.

How can I do nothing?

I have been looking for articles to share in my public speaking class and somehow I got to a website called Reject Apathy. I read the stories of these people who lack hope and help. When I read things like this I am always convicted. After a while that conviction is replaced by my daily routine and thoughts about the next quiz I have, and what I am going to wear to dinner tonight. There is no doubt that this is unacceptable. God, show me how to do something. Make me do something.

Venting

I spilled nail polish remover in my laptop keyboard and now it wont type. I have to call HP but my cell phone service sucks and my phone is dying. There is toothpaste all in my backpack.

Update: I called HP and right when the guys said, "Ok here is what you can do..." my phone died and there is nowhere in my dorm with service that my charging cord can reach.

bangs.

Yep, I am pretty sure I need bangs again. Without bangs I look like a man.

Change

‎"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” - Anatole France


This quote was on Criminal Minds and I love that show. I have a complete love/hate relationship with change. I was ready for college because I was tired of Raleigh and all its sameness. I wanted a clean slate, somewhere to move in and redecorate, and new scenery, but when I was there all I wanted was my sameness back. I think that is the part of my old life dying. I mean, there are people and places that I will never forget and they will always be a part of my life, but they will never play the same part in my life. A part of myself is left behind and it must have been a big part because I miss it. Now it is time for me to die to my old life. Not my best friends and not Raleigh, but to the parts they used to play in my life. 

Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

The World's End

Wouldn't it be great if it was judgment day today? Sometimes I am so ready to be free from all this confusion and sadness. I want God to once and for all rip me away from all of the stupid things I hold on to. I know I can be free from those things on earth, but I always turn back. I want to be chained to God forever so I can't run away in pursuit of stupid things. The blood of Christ has atoned for my sins. Woohoo!