This is going to be a very honest blog post. I have been struggling lately. I am so overwhelmed with the intense consequences of my actions these days. Let me give my most recent example:
During my senior year I got really excited about college. I was ready for something different and a new start. One big reason that I chose Appalachian was because it was an adventure. I wanted something new. Maybe I was tricking myself or something because it wasn't until about a month before I left that it all hit me. I was sitting in my room and I just started to cry. I realized that going to college meant leaving my family, my home, my friends, and a place where I was very, very happy. I didn't tell anyone about that time. As college came nearer I was still very excited even though I had a hint of sadness. I didn't cry about it again until I got here. When my mom asked me if I was coming home for labor day I told her I didn't want to commit yet because I didn't know what I would be doing. I thought it sounded lame to come home from college, "the best time of your life". The first few weeks/ months of college were truly awful. My dorm is a jail cell, the bathrooms and shower are disgusting, and the stress of being on my own made me take 3 hour naps every day. Also, I was so bored. I didn't have anything to do and I barely knew anyone. I wanted to go home so bad, and I felt guilty for it. I felt like I had let everyone down by not being the flexible, happy, and friendly person I was expected to be. I ended up coming home about once a month. All of these times were for specific reasons, not necessarily huge reasons, but just little things. Honestly I found that there is not much to do on the weekends here unless you party or have a lot of homework. However, by the end of last semester I started actually liking it here. I began to feel like I fit in here and have friends here. I like Boone, but I still couldn't wait for Christmas break. This semester I really feel like I belong here. The first to weeks have already been pretty busy and I have rarely felt bored. Last weekend I came home because I needed my camera. I decided to choose between coming home last weekend and coming home next weekend to help with the lockin, and I chose last weekend because I needed my camera! I already felt slightly guilty because I just got here and then I went home. I feel like coming home is seen as a sign weakness. Then I was asked to work the lockin because they are now in desperate need of girls. I can't say that the only reason I would help is because I am a self sacrificing person who will help in any way possible. I have to admit that I think it will be fun, and honestly I have nothing going on that weekend and I don't feel like I will be missing out on anything here. For example, if it was the weekend of the IV retreat or if I had plans I wouldn't help, but I have nothing to do. What should I do??? Ahhh. College students are supposed to party and not want to go home, so am I a failure?